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Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Steins Gate
The thoughts awry, the flashes in disarray - it all seems an emotionless galore - a reality which has emotions thriving to glory. Absurd? Welcome to this grim world of sane insanity, or would you rather just have it as insane sanity.
Not very long ago, an unseasoned lassie decided to take her first steps into this confused world. She set out to be happy, relinquish her childhood and absolve herself from her indecisiveness. She did intend to make some good friends, make some awe-inspired living, and maybe just maybe find the right lad who would endure her whingeing and nonetheless love her for what she is and what she would aspire to be.
Over the years, she enjoyed some great friendship with her girlfriends, friendships that needed no introduction to this over-occupied world, friendships that would last forever - or so she thought.
They all came, and they all left, barring of course a handful of them - now don't call me names for being so mean. After all, who doesn't change? But she wasn't sad. She was in fact happy, really happy. She did manage to survive. In the process, gained the trust of her two most beloved friends. Care to know who they were? Well, one was her diary, and the other was herself. Two friends who could never betray her, no matter how bad she is to them. They will always, uncontrollably love her. Oh and she did move on. Strong willed she was, yes she was. [ I can feel the tenses going wrong here, but never mind. As long as the idea of the flow seeps in, it's all good. ]
I'm pretty sure, there isn't much for you to characterize this lass. Well, keep your seat belts on. The journey has just begun.
So where was I now? Yeah. So this lady was much like any other next door girl you could possibly imagine. Sweet, subtle, soft - spoken, calm, tender - at least that's how the world knew her. Right in her teens, she could probably run for the most eligible bachelor in town! Oh and she was exquisite. Who wouldn't want to spend the rest of his life with her!
Friends aside for a moment. She did find that guy. The first guy she ever laid her eyes upon. Rather the first guy, who ever dared to look into her glistening eyes. It was an attraction, she could feel its unsettling grip over her life. Her restlessness overpowered her calm composed self. Yes. She did respond to those behind - the - back stares. She smiled. Boy, does it sound so cliche`. Nonetheless, that's how it all began.
Those morning walks in that lush green park - with no one lurking around. Those first times when he tried to hold her hand, sit next to her - so close that even ants couldn't dare to crawl past them, leave a peck on her cheek, watch her in awe when she smiled. And Oh! Their first kiss. Their most dreaded day. The thought of how the other would react, was killing the two of them. They did end up spending their special date, by the moonlit river, mostly relishing each other's presence with their well accomplished first kiss. She doesn't even remember how many times she had their first kiss do the overruns. Good times nevertheless.
Days passed by, and so did months. They did celebrate their first year of togetherness - in a quite distinguished fashion I should say. Those well-cut suits, those laced dresses, those grandly lit surroundings, that beautiful music, and the mesmerizing ambience - I'm sure you get the drift.
So far so good. Devoid of anyone else's presence in her life - other than herself and her diary of course, she experienced a self-consuming fondness for this guy. He completed her.
A year turned into a few years, and a few years brought with them their own complexities.
They grew up. What seemed to be an all-consuming love, seemed more like a necessary obsession - which if never had existed, probably would have made their lives simpler and easier to deal with. Those love letters from the past, felt silly and childish. Did they ever fall in love? Or was it all that first feel of attraction?
Their jobs got challenging, their lives seemed different. This exquisite lady, never seemed to be at peace. The guy would come home [ yes they lived together ], sit back for a coffee, watch some news - oh he still gave her a peck on the cheek..it all seemed routine. There was something amiss. And that possibly was that everything was too right, too perfect. They did not talk much - other than some boring office over - the -tea discussions, some mutual cribbing and some daily gossip. What seemed to be the perfect future, was turning out to be a perfect disaster. The next steps simply seemed unfathomable.
One day, he came home drunk. She slept. There was this other day, when he brought home his work friends. She slept. Then there was this day, when he came home with another girl. She stayed up the entire night. What seemed like an eternity of a relationship, seemed to crumble to dust. She sought after new people - people whom she could never care about. Somewhere deep down, she still felt for this guy, but it was buried somewhere deep down - a somewhere - to which there was no door that could be opened. It was just there, somewhere.
She sought religious counsel - oh, she was a pure non-believer. Her so-called friends kept checking on her. Who seemed to be an all cheerful lass once, now seemed to be a tormented soul. She could not lay her mind at ease. Did I mention she lived alone now?
What did she do wrong - is what she always wondered. Was he a wrong choice? Was the relationship at a tender age a wrong choice? Was she no good? She did not even have friends. Oh, she must be bad. She did not have answers to so many questions. She stopped going to her workplace. She didn't even find time for her diary. She was so overpowered by her solitude. She purposely threw her phone into that moonlit river. She so wanted to get rid of those engraved first memories. That was all that she would think about. That first touch, that first kiss. All seemed so good then. She cried through the days. Nights were more awful. Sleepless and restless. She didn't remember another night after that one, when she actually slept more than a few moments.
She was too methodical to quit over-thinking. One thought led to another, so did many other thoughts lead to many others, and she would jump-start back from that thought where she first started to think. She kept herself confined to that one room, that one dark ill-lit room.
What happened next, I would rather not get into the details.[ You might notice, I skipped quite a few details here and there.] All I would say is, this lady, who set her first steps into this confused world with such high hopes, was found lying lifeless by the corner of her room. There goes a saying, she never got up from that corner for days.
Why this insanity, is what you would ask. And I shall tell you exactly that.
We all have that young mind inside of us. We all were immature once. We all had fantasies, dreams. I'm very sure, not all of them were fulfilled for either of you. We all led our lives past those caboodle of termed -as -friends people. We all had our share of good luck and bad luck. For some, the good luck saved some grace, for the others, the bad luck seemed to be too overwhelming.
We all have had our crazy times. We all have had sane moments. We all have enjoyed and we all have cried -or maybe just our hearts did. But it all happened to all.
We grow up, and few find a good way to wheel past that maturing phase. Few, find it too difficult to deal with. What life that young lady had, was a life, I've known few people to have. Eventually few managed to spin out of it - nonetheless - the thought of ending it all seemed to be their first steps.
Life is too simple for those who choose to ignore, and is very much complicated for those who delve into the very depths of it.
I wish that everyone finds that sane balance, somewhere in their lifestyles - a balance that suits their work life and their personal lives. The idea of two different lives itself is haunting to many.. Let it not get to the devil in you. Let it be that you - where the Devil perches on one shoulder, and the Angel smiles on the other.
When it gets too overwhelming, just sit back in the breeze and watch the sun rise. It's a wonderful feeling.
Not very long ago, an unseasoned lassie decided to take her first steps into this confused world. She set out to be happy, relinquish her childhood and absolve herself from her indecisiveness. She did intend to make some good friends, make some awe-inspired living, and maybe just maybe find the right lad who would endure her whingeing and nonetheless love her for what she is and what she would aspire to be.
Over the years, she enjoyed some great friendship with her girlfriends, friendships that needed no introduction to this over-occupied world, friendships that would last forever - or so she thought.
They all came, and they all left, barring of course a handful of them - now don't call me names for being so mean. After all, who doesn't change? But she wasn't sad. She was in fact happy, really happy. She did manage to survive. In the process, gained the trust of her two most beloved friends. Care to know who they were? Well, one was her diary, and the other was herself. Two friends who could never betray her, no matter how bad she is to them. They will always, uncontrollably love her. Oh and she did move on. Strong willed she was, yes she was. [ I can feel the tenses going wrong here, but never mind. As long as the idea of the flow seeps in, it's all good. ]
I'm pretty sure, there isn't much for you to characterize this lass. Well, keep your seat belts on. The journey has just begun.
So where was I now? Yeah. So this lady was much like any other next door girl you could possibly imagine. Sweet, subtle, soft - spoken, calm, tender - at least that's how the world knew her. Right in her teens, she could probably run for the most eligible bachelor in town! Oh and she was exquisite. Who wouldn't want to spend the rest of his life with her!
Friends aside for a moment. She did find that guy. The first guy she ever laid her eyes upon. Rather the first guy, who ever dared to look into her glistening eyes. It was an attraction, she could feel its unsettling grip over her life. Her restlessness overpowered her calm composed self. Yes. She did respond to those behind - the - back stares. She smiled. Boy, does it sound so cliche`. Nonetheless, that's how it all began.
Those morning walks in that lush green park - with no one lurking around. Those first times when he tried to hold her hand, sit next to her - so close that even ants couldn't dare to crawl past them, leave a peck on her cheek, watch her in awe when she smiled. And Oh! Their first kiss. Their most dreaded day. The thought of how the other would react, was killing the two of them. They did end up spending their special date, by the moonlit river, mostly relishing each other's presence with their well accomplished first kiss. She doesn't even remember how many times she had their first kiss do the overruns. Good times nevertheless.
Days passed by, and so did months. They did celebrate their first year of togetherness - in a quite distinguished fashion I should say. Those well-cut suits, those laced dresses, those grandly lit surroundings, that beautiful music, and the mesmerizing ambience - I'm sure you get the drift.
So far so good. Devoid of anyone else's presence in her life - other than herself and her diary of course, she experienced a self-consuming fondness for this guy. He completed her.
A year turned into a few years, and a few years brought with them their own complexities.
They grew up. What seemed to be an all-consuming love, seemed more like a necessary obsession - which if never had existed, probably would have made their lives simpler and easier to deal with. Those love letters from the past, felt silly and childish. Did they ever fall in love? Or was it all that first feel of attraction?
Their jobs got challenging, their lives seemed different. This exquisite lady, never seemed to be at peace. The guy would come home [ yes they lived together ], sit back for a coffee, watch some news - oh he still gave her a peck on the cheek..it all seemed routine. There was something amiss. And that possibly was that everything was too right, too perfect. They did not talk much - other than some boring office over - the -tea discussions, some mutual cribbing and some daily gossip. What seemed to be the perfect future, was turning out to be a perfect disaster. The next steps simply seemed unfathomable.
One day, he came home drunk. She slept. There was this other day, when he brought home his work friends. She slept. Then there was this day, when he came home with another girl. She stayed up the entire night. What seemed like an eternity of a relationship, seemed to crumble to dust. She sought after new people - people whom she could never care about. Somewhere deep down, she still felt for this guy, but it was buried somewhere deep down - a somewhere - to which there was no door that could be opened. It was just there, somewhere.
She sought religious counsel - oh, she was a pure non-believer. Her so-called friends kept checking on her. Who seemed to be an all cheerful lass once, now seemed to be a tormented soul. She could not lay her mind at ease. Did I mention she lived alone now?
What did she do wrong - is what she always wondered. Was he a wrong choice? Was the relationship at a tender age a wrong choice? Was she no good? She did not even have friends. Oh, she must be bad. She did not have answers to so many questions. She stopped going to her workplace. She didn't even find time for her diary. She was so overpowered by her solitude. She purposely threw her phone into that moonlit river. She so wanted to get rid of those engraved first memories. That was all that she would think about. That first touch, that first kiss. All seemed so good then. She cried through the days. Nights were more awful. Sleepless and restless. She didn't remember another night after that one, when she actually slept more than a few moments.
She was too methodical to quit over-thinking. One thought led to another, so did many other thoughts lead to many others, and she would jump-start back from that thought where she first started to think. She kept herself confined to that one room, that one dark ill-lit room.
What happened next, I would rather not get into the details.[ You might notice, I skipped quite a few details here and there.] All I would say is, this lady, who set her first steps into this confused world with such high hopes, was found lying lifeless by the corner of her room. There goes a saying, she never got up from that corner for days.
Why this insanity, is what you would ask. And I shall tell you exactly that.
We all have that young mind inside of us. We all were immature once. We all had fantasies, dreams. I'm very sure, not all of them were fulfilled for either of you. We all led our lives past those caboodle of termed -as -friends people. We all had our share of good luck and bad luck. For some, the good luck saved some grace, for the others, the bad luck seemed to be too overwhelming.
We all have had our crazy times. We all have had sane moments. We all have enjoyed and we all have cried -or maybe just our hearts did. But it all happened to all.
We grow up, and few find a good way to wheel past that maturing phase. Few, find it too difficult to deal with. What life that young lady had, was a life, I've known few people to have. Eventually few managed to spin out of it - nonetheless - the thought of ending it all seemed to be their first steps.
Life is too simple for those who choose to ignore, and is very much complicated for those who delve into the very depths of it.
I wish that everyone finds that sane balance, somewhere in their lifestyles - a balance that suits their work life and their personal lives. The idea of two different lives itself is haunting to many.. Let it not get to the devil in you. Let it be that you - where the Devil perches on one shoulder, and the Angel smiles on the other.
When it gets too overwhelming, just sit back in the breeze and watch the sun rise. It's a wonderful feeling.
The Immortal Synchrony
An escape from the real world
Is what this used to give me
Forgotten is the art
Forgotten is the solace
Forgotten are the verses
Forgotten are the memories
Time is vicious
It makes you live
It makes you struggle
It makes you do things you never were able to control
Time is God
For there is no other God
It has you on a leash
You falter and your time is up
It's easy to blame
It's easy to neglect
It's easy to give up
But it's never easy to pay the price
Pay the price of your misdoings
Pay the price of your ignorance
Pay the price of never trying so hard
Life is famed to be limited
That is the only thing you can be sure of
It's your job to make it worthwhile
I know I have been taking it for granted
Since quite some time
Trying too hard
Forgetting that too hard was never my style
Which brings me back to what was right in my life
When I exercised smartness in a much smarter fashion
When solidarity was what I gained from every post of mine
When control is what I leveraged after piecing my stray thoughts
A forgotten art
But a practiced soul
This part of me
Has just found it's long lost goal
A pen is mightier than a sword they say
To all those times where words find the love of another soul
To all those who find motivation
This not so time-tortured mortal
Is back
Back for good.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Last existence
With the growing melancholy every second
She sat by that solitary tree
Agaze at it's reflection
In the moonlit lake.
Was she an uncouth avenger
Or a lost grieving soul
She bore the semblance
Of a story untold.
Long flowing hair
Dark laden eyes
Frail hands
Jaded legs
Her benumb face glistened in the sanctimonious moonlight.
I see her lips move
I can't fathom what she is trying to say
I catch a fleeting glimpse
As I walk deep past her amidst the shadows
I see that tear drop make its way to the sodden ground
I see those eyes as she sets her gaze upon me.
O'h that frozen moment
My heart writhes in pain
That face
O'h that human face.
I remember that day
When I sat there by that tree
Staring at it's reflection
That blood sodden ground neath me
That obliterated murder
O'h now I remember
I feel that tear drop make its way to that sodden ground
As I behold my last existence.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
RECORDING .......... 2
recording: 04:36 am
rooftop, chilly wind, rustle of the leaves, a bright moon, deathly shadows...
meandering bats speckling the lights from the mighty ITPL edifices...
a pristine view...nature at its best.
back against the railing...a folded knee...
a battered laptop (..oh its still new!! ) ...
a numbness, a calm..
a serene flavor...
i wonder when i had this peace of mind...
seems to me like an era has flown past right before my eyes.....
yet another long day....
work on a saturday...yeah i knw it sux... ##@@###...
some awesome Bleach thereafter......
a bit of Mafia Wars spacing the gaps...
###...Oh i should have gotten a jacket here ^^&&###
freezing......
04:50 am [armed wid my jean jacket]
// don't knw y i want to get this recorded.....it juz needs to be...//
it's those small moments that matter in the end......
9th December 2010... 11:00 pm....
Hostel room #746...4 friends....
the normal gossip routine....
whats the hot movie in town....
ohh he looks so good......
ohh shez so yuck.......
ohh the two of them together $$%% God save the souls!! @#$....
2 battered laptops ( oh dese r very old!! )...
ION wi-fi....some crappy youtube videos.....
some old memories.......
some impish laughs...
some puny cell phones....
last day of end sem......last exam of our lives.......
a happiness bound by no chains....
a sense of freedom.....
the last day in college.....
an internship to look forward to...
a job to dwell upon.........
wat a day it was....
ppl partying hard......after al it was CS that always got done wid its exams first...
oders still savoring our excitement......evn tho dey had exam fvr over der head....
it was the best feelin ever.....
---------------------------------------
a night that no one can ever forget.......
---------------------------------------
11:15 pm
constant beeping of those puny beings...
ohh ppl shud learn how we ignore \m/
no1 shud interfere....we were havin our imperishable moments together....
2 missed calls....3 missed calls...4th missed call...
5th....my friend had to take dis call dis time...it was juz too much....
a faint smile as she said hello... (why so many calls dude..!! )
a devouring tear the next moment......
the three of us were appalled.......what happened????.....was what evry1's expression pored into her eyes...
the world stood still...we had to get her off the call.....we had to know..what made her snap in an instant...
we had to know....we had to know........
11:30 pm
at first it didn't register....it just didn't register.......it simply dint......
11:40 pm
WHAT!!!! HOW!!! WHY!!! WHY NOW!!! WHY TONIGHT!!! WHY THIS MOMENT????
11:50 pm
calls calls and more calls....evry1 was talkin....wid evry1 ........
juz too many calls.......
12:30 am
6th floor balcony......1 abandoned chair....on that..sat one abandoned soul....
01:00 am
Too much to reason....too much to dwell upon...what internship what job.....its all materialistic...
how does it even matter......
02:00 am
tears found der way to dis world.....
03:00 am
it all registered....
it finally did......
04:00 am
Life is so short.....y do we even bother to run aftr things that dont matter.....
excessive money...compelling work life...obsessive dreams....
for whom? for what purpose??
You should live it the best way you can NOW not strive to make it the best..for a time..ur NOT EVEN sure of........
Life is just a bitch.....lez not make it worse.....
05:00 am
It was just today morning..the time right before our last exam....
He said....aur Aakanksha....aj Dee Tee pe milte hain fir...all the best for our last exam... :)
that smile.....that last look..i still remember.........
its etched deep down my memory lane........
A deathly bike....a cursed tanker.....
I wish we had more time...........i wish the doctors were more efficient...
I wish....it wasnt you......how cud it be u.......we used to sit in the adjacent benches...
4 yrs in one section...always the same room......
neva thot wud feel it so close to my heart...dis feelin of emptiness......
i wish i had no soul........
The way you called out my name...the way i cud neva forget....
the birthday party.....
the DJing together.....
Dose bihari songs......
Dat dance floor.....
I cud still see u der.........
Y u o friend...y u........
Wish you were here.......
Wish u cud c dis...
wish i cud reverse the particles of time....
and juz remove dat death road from the journey of your life.....
Wish dat no such thing ever happens...to neone i know.....neone i care about....
Loved ur company my friend......
Such a happy soul u were...
just wen i was starting to wonder....wud i ever be able to meet my friends...how will i make al dat happen...
we should find some way to keep up in our lives....just wen i was planin our future meetins wid al my pals...
it turns out...i will NEVER be able to meet that one friend...with that smile....
i dont think it will ever sink in.....i dont think il ever believe this happened.......
$$$########...........present day.........%$$$$$$$$$$$$%
05:39 am
I think I can see you amongst those bright stars......
That star..smiling right back at me...that star....saying....hey Aakanksha...kaisi hai tu....
like he alwas used to say........
###.......$#$%$%^.........y is it still freezing out here.......#$..%%^^^.......
I had my jacket on......yes i did........i went back n i got to my room....n i picked that jean jacket up....
i remember doing that.......it was dark....c!! i even forgot my slippers in the process......
##$$....%%^^
If i did not pick the jacket up....then what was that warm touch wen i picked it up???????
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