RECORDING............

recording: 01:10 am

all lights off to rest...
all mortals cuddled under their blankets..
dogs wailing out on the streets...
clock ticking...
apart from that...no visuals...no sound...
everything "still"
everything "sharp"
and everything absolutely clear...
i could even hear my heartbeats

my head pounding right now...
coz of the real bad ache that i had been putting up with, since this eve...
naah...nothing to worry..
am fine...

past three days...
no net surfing..
i guess...that was more soothing...

today...rather yesterday..was a busy day...
for the first time in the entire holidays..i was made to wake up at 09:00 hrs!!
{don't be surprised...n if u knw me...u wont evn be...al dese days..i had a fixed time....i wok up at sharp 13:00 hrs}
so you can already imagine...it was a stressful day!! ahha...out of the extraordinary for me i.e.!!
ohhk....so i wont bore you with my chores of the day....juz one tin gud out of it.....i bought my b'day dress...(at least...if i don't get netin else fr maslf....dis wil be d one....dat ul see me clad in... )

ohhk...wel..it was a gud day..til d eve...
evrytin fine....
gud infact....

sumhow clock ticked away....
that pounding head of mine....+too much of bein fed wid food(u knw hw it is at home!!dntcha??)+sum stupid modem prob(guys came over to fix it up~~~~naah...none gudluking!)+guests coming over(it was al fine...until they barged into my room....i like it wen i hav d rum juz 2 maslf.....wel...seein shalu..after a long long tym....was as if...a big wonder!! damn...i was a role model fr dem! uuuugghhhhhh....i hate bein draggd into coochi-cooing by uncl n aunts!)+orkutin+ma bro gaming on ma laptop+being fed again(+again+again)-all of this i mentnd.....nd finally.....01:20 am...

.....#####$$$$$###.....ohh...i think...i was almost in a trance.......
01:25 am

//yeah yeah...
i know...
i know....u want this to be recorded as well...ohhkk...so there you go..//

about nine years ago...i was just a li'l brat...too notoriuos...too mischievous....yeah ....too smart at thinking too....can't help that ..can i? ;|
i was everything...that i wish i can be now......
nothing to worry about....
absolutely no fear....
life as easy as it can be.....
all friends everywhere i went...all happy moments....

then one day...we had this singing competition in one of our society clubs....
many talented participants(naah..i dint take part dis tym.. :| )
one of them.....my senior at school...
i was kinda intrigued by her persona....n still....dint like her much....cud neva figure out why....
she sang ,..some famous song from d yellow pages of the past....
she juz read through the whole song while singing...n still she got the second prize...
one statement i remember sayin..."huh...logon ko pura cheez padh ke bhi prize mil jata hai.."

next week....
school as usual...
news read out....morning prayers..the usual...assembly..the usual...
special announcement....not the usual....
"one moment of silence for our dear departed soul last night...................................."
the same senior...who baggd the secnd prize...was dead due to food poisoning.....some tale....i dont remember much.....

i was dumb-struck....
i juz dint knw how to react...no....u bet i was sad...i juz dint knw...hw to react...
i stood there in silence....n for the 1st tym in my life....prayed to god...(m nt much of a prayer kind..)..from the bottom of ma heart.....

n after listenin in dat announcement...wat a darling she was for her family...her friends..her society
the first thing i felt was... GUILT

somehow.....i juz felt.....those words.....wer sumwer in some small part maybe..responsible for this day....

things changed for me after that.....
i still remember...i neva believd in a ruling power more than the visible.....
i sumwat blvd in god...
but from that day onwards...i believed in spirits..
spirits wid pure heart....gud souls.....

i dnt knw...wedr ul blv it or not...
i wont ask u to blv it.....

i saw radiance once...wer der was no source of light oder than my night bulb....no lightning....nothing.....
n in that split second.....al i felt was that song that she sang....as if shez singing it to me.....
i gues...it wud hav bin...a realy short span......

i dont knw...
i fell asleep...

next day...
evrything normal....
notin changed..notin supernatural...notin extraordinary....
juz one strong vigour....
that i had to live my life.....through all odds....

i dont knw..wat was dat feeling....i was too li'l to knw dat.....
juz sumtin....wich i neva cud figure out...
not evn nw....

i stil rem her face...
n toady i feel....she was a real sweetheart...
n yeah..she was charming...

if i cud take one thing bak from ma life.......
it wud be dis smal thing...wich..sumhow..is too big for ma life....
i wana tak bak ....wat i said for her....


one thing i believe now is......

there are special ppl in evryone's life....
we may not knw evryone...
but...evry single gud soul....is prized by someone or the other...
it may not be me,....it may not be u....
but it may be...sum1....around u.....

i wish i cud do something.....
i wish....i cud...change...al dat..dat neva hapnd for the good....

life is too short.....
one moment ur breathing...
the oder moment..u myt drop dead..

one promise i make to you ..my loved ones...
no matter what.....
you'l be the harmony of my soul...
you'l be my pride....
no matter what....
til my last breath.....in my soul will your presence reside.......

recording: 01:55 am

the last light flickers...
the clock ticks away...
dogs still wailing on the streets....juz a li'l louder....
all mortals...in deep sleep....

in this darkness that surrounds the cold air....
this mortal....
bids adieu....

recording: 01:56 am
......###$$$$####>......no signal...

.........was that a streak of light in the dark?????......
........#####$$$$####.................//.....it's not a good feeling..............

...................................................................................................................

I FEEL...

i feel "that" darkness in me...
i feel "that" hole swirling in me...
i feel "that" hatred..
i feel "that" voice..
i feel "that" vision...
i feel "that" laughter...
i feel "that" pain...
i feel "that" power...
and i feel.....
someday.....il know.."what" lies beneath
someday.....il know.."who" is the real ME

yeah...dreams can be weird.

i don't know how or why i dreamt this....but still i did..
n so here it goes....
it's about a month ago that i had this dream......


a ghastly bible of chants and enchantments.
every page sinks in your drops of blood that it drains from you.

a red blot..and your future laid bare by its directions to follow the next trail of mishappenings
rather a joke it may seem to you...

but the curse is set upon you...when you fill in the blanks...
'the carcass groans in agony, and none but ____ shall know the curse trails the human...and you shall see no more'

it doesn't haunt you
until it dawns upon you..
'none but THEE shall know the curse trails the human..'

the preparations begin
your death bed laid wide open
no individual leaves this world without leaving behind any trail of the curse

the gory death was chosen for you...
it will trail even that human that seldom says 'i know you'

the ghastly book mocking your fate
your loved ones in tears

the sooner you realize the better
it's you who's entrapped in the world of chants n curses

the EYE trails everyone.
there's no looking back
what goes in, never comes out

you gaze at those RED BLOTS
and you realize
you're already BLEEDING TO DEATH.

The Undead Grave

an elusive offset
an unprecedented beginning
everything unexpected
yet all so happening...

he was a loner
just like me...
his persona veiled
until unveiled by me...

circumstances made me to know him further
earlier...
he was nothing but one of a feather

i have no words to account
how things got graver
all i know is...
it was the beginning
two subtle minds entwining

days passed...
his likes dislikes
were iterated by me...
same as mine by him..
you might have made a guess
yeah...all were unsaid...
we could read through, without words.

from a simple wave of gesture,
to the most intricate implications..
the look in the eye sufficed.

the happiness of the mortal world
the sadness of the undefined
we didn't need a third soul...
the two of us worked fine.

but one day...
something happened...
none of us knew "why"...

things changed.
pinned down to the emptiness
that crept through both of us...
we were ensnared in our own worlds.

he couldn't sail through this
neither could i...
without being drowned into the cold..

there was no way out..
nothing that could help us out...

the end neared...

i lay numb...
in the darkness of my soul...
i try to look out...
look of of my perspective...
all i could see was a trench...
you go in...and you never come out...

it was ages...
when he finally made me realize...

there has to be another tale...
another beginning...
a journey that never leads into the trench...

an era of communion
where even death-
when sweeps out a draught of cold..
leaves a whisper
"i love you....my other soul.."

IMAGINE.....ITS YOUR SOUL

a skinny figure
walking down the line...

a shadow
encroaching upon nothingness...

the road
glistening under the moonlight...

the unholy existence
seem to parole...

the leaves rustling...
a sign of silent whisper??

a confident approach...
a well led life...

what to believe...
inhumane brutality or infernal surreality?

the silence makes It deaf
deaf to the world
deaf to the reality

somewhere It knows
It's not a shadow
It's a soul

the dark is misleading
It has got to take hold
take hold of It's path
take hold of It's existence

It treads along
It fears...
It knows
only the dead are dauntless

life is an anomaly
it's got no rules

the rustling leaves
the silent whisper...
"you're not alone..."

It turns around
there's nothing,
but "It"
the sole existence

It paces up
the dark engulfs the seamless

call it Legion
call it Manslayer
the traces are so cold

an inimical night
IMAGINE...
It's your SOUL...

wen it comes to cars......
Lamborghini is ma pick!!

wen thngs go d oder way...

tired of bein driven into conclusions
tired of tossing around the corners
tired of manipulating life's course

i finaly realise....
evn wen it was in my hand...
i wasnt d rider of the horse..

now wen..
its not in my hands...
i stil aint d rider of the horse....

wat difrnc does it make...
if things wer suposed to go ur way....
but dey dint...

wat difrnc does it make..
if life abandoned u..on ur course of life..

wat difrnc does it make...
if u wer exhumed in ur own sacrifice..

wat difrnc does it make......

sometimes u juz cant take thngs for granted...
sometimes u juz cant expect a future....

sometimes u juz gotta live...
coz...
someone up there...
planned ur life's path....

a track u ought to follow...
wen thngs go d oder way..

the SATAN in you.....
not evryone is a saint.......

GENTING HIGHLANDS
amazing place in MALAYSIA
u can actly feel the clouds!!!!!
its almost 2000mtrs above sea level....
n daz wer d beauty of this place lies!!!
a must visit...for ppl who wana feel..
wat holidaying actly is wrth of!!!

hav a gud luck!!

an errand..never accomplished..

it was a sunday..
the sweet shine of the sun..
the glaze of the glistenin glass...
the ray of light...the promising delight....

awakened to the wake of my room's disarray..
my cup of coffee...ryt by my side...
my life..waiting to witness its jumpstart....

the drapes wailing to unveil the brightness..
the shadows..waitin to be forecast..
the lights stil off....
my room dint witness my start..

plans whirling in d conscious mind...
tasks..emanating from my memory..
my insides craving to be alive..
i had to be ther at his wedding..

he was my best mate..
the only soul..that made my life
the only soul that made it worth living..
i had to be ther...

wat stoppd me was not in my command..
it was fate....or maybe it was destiny...
soon enough the emptiness sunk in...
i was dying..

i heard them say..
she might not live.
dis might be her last day....
her eyes stil closed...
dont evn know....if she'l ever wake up from d dead..
the doctor had given up hope....

the murmur in d room was drownin..
my coffee cup...stil lying untchd...
i cudnt move...
i wanted to... so desperately...
i was shrinking within myself....

i cud feel the cringes..
the shudder thru my spine...
a weird sensation....
as if it's..the end of my time....

probably it was....
evn tho...it musnt hav been...
he was my soul....
my love....
i was supposed to be his bride...

maybe dis was d end..
maybe...we wern't destined to be in cohesion...
it was planned....

i lost myself to the dead...
may he live a gud lyf....

it was my hard luck....
my wedding...
an errand..never accomplished..

my loving parents.... :):)

the unforeseen gravels laid on d graves beneath d sand..

its not evrytime dat u get to know d darknes deep inside ur soul....
its not evrytime dat u realise....evrytin is not d way it shud go...
its not evrytime...dat u see...ur losin it...
its not evrytime dat u feel.......ur d only loser in dis world...
its not evrytime dat u feel.....ur left alone to lick d dust dat time has embossd upon u.....
its not evrytime u feel......dat livin life was neva meant fr u...
n its not evrytime u feel.....dat endin it.....is d only way out.........

today is one such day...one such tym....
wen i feel.....its not evrytime...wen i thnk of reconsiderin.....i shud....liv anoder life.....

why............

i was alive....
i had lived a great life....

but fr dat day in ma life...
no...it wasnt her....

it was her love fr me...
y did she love me so much...
why......

why did she hav to do dis....
why.....

y did she hav to lay a knife on her...
y did she hav to ruin her "to be" married life...

y did she hav to do dat....
y on the eve o her wedding day...

i was so happy....
i prayed fr her gud lyf....

y cudnt she liv widout me....
y did she hav to love me so much....

was it me....
was it my love....

y was dat love so deep....
dat she had to come to me.....

dat she had to slay her infrnt o me...
so dat...i see..dat stil in her last moments...
da last name was mine....

i dont regret doin d same to myself....
i dont regret.....

i was happy wen alive....
n i was happy wen i slay myself....

she wasnt strong engh...
but we strengthened our relation.....

i aint alive.......
but i thnk...dat was wat i shud hav dun.....

i am satisfied.....
if only...we had been alive..........

if only..dat wedding was nt d end.....
if only......it had been ours........

if only........
why...........

i juz kno....we aint alive................

the week before the examz!!!

well..this is exactly the right moment to share ma thots on this !!!

the week before the exam....

i see evry1 savouring their books....
working out problems n problems n problems..
goin ahead wid der work lik a jet plane!!!

n here i am....sittin wid da thot in ma mind....dat yep...i will stdy...
il definitely stdy....
wil juz start in next 15 mins......
n u al mit be knowin..dose 15 minutes..neva come in our lives......

we dont find ne oder tym betr dan dis...to actly go out n party.....
but stil..we avoid partyin.....juz fr da sake o stdyin.....n stil we don stdy............

so finally we'r stuck up nt stdyin........n not doin nytin........
..
nw wat r we suposd to do????

i juz feel nw....i wan to talk to my mom......feel lik a kid.....ease myself off.....
after all dey r d ones.....who care fr us......
i love my mom....thnx fr helpin me out in dis tgh tym.......
thnx fr bein der maa......

muzic's da soul o ma life....

i lay der al cold...
gaze fixed into nothingness..

da anguish..da anxiety...restless within itself....
no scope o lettin it out....
da wrldz' chained da individuals....

u gotta make ur own stand.....
u gotta liv fr urslf...
cz ur da only 1 whoz never gonna betray u....

evn da shadow's deceivin....
wat u can hav faith in....is juz u ...n none oder....

da soul grinds....
whines......
but i walk al alone.....

no1's gonna understnd u.....
as u urslf can..urslf.....

da muzic..in da shadowz.....
da darkness o da solitary nyt....

da bed o freedom..is wat u lie upon....
gazin into da nothingness....
and explorin da future.....

da muzic goes on.....
i move ahead....

i see light at ma window.....
i get up to move on.....

i hear da muzic.....
i smile...n i walk alone.......

sometimes..if dats da way..

wat i've done.....i face myself.....

the ruler o ma own path....the king o ma own solitude...
yeah..i love it...
i drive ma own life.....

no regrets...
no pain...
i live alone

teh world around me....evry1 seems to be so differnt..am i livin a differnt life..or is it da wrld itself....

evrytin goes wrong..wen u luv ur solitude..but da presence o cold bloods...maks da solitude to hate itself.....

u are amgst ppl....but it juz seems to be a crowd.......it makes u feel senseless....wat ru doin in dat era o da fake beings...
wat ru u doin der...wer u dont hav ur own recognition....
wat ru doin der....wer u dont feel ur own presence.....
wat ru doin der..wer...ur bein awaited to be pounced upon by souls..to grant favours...

wat do i do to ignore them behind me...
do i folow ma instincts blindly....
do i trust nobody n liv in loneliness....

i wana be in anoder place....
i hate wen u say u don understnd...

wen dis began.....
i was confused...
dint knw..wat to do...
nothing to do......

i shut maslf...
n turn away......
sumtyms gudbye's da only way....

sumtyms....life wil lead its own way.....
sumtyms...u juz gotta liv....coz u havta......


life's a dream....let it cum true.....